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HuffPost Personal Video Horoscopes. Follow Us. Terms Privacy Policy. The couple stops being curious about one another. Arguments over money become more and more common. Suggest a correction. Elmquist agrees. However, she says conflict is essential for a healthy relationship. Sometimes, you and your partner may start out having the same life goals, but then they change as time goes on; maybe you want to stay living in the same city whereas they want to go travel and work remotely.
In any case, your life paths may change somewhere along the way. She says that people are often so happy and connected in the early stages of a relationship that they think their partner is ideal. By Natalia Lusinski. In reality our reasons in being in a relationship are selfish, not selfless, and the ending of relationships are normal. Does that make reality bitter and depressing? No, because she says relationships are more than a compatible parter but a transference of gifts.
People come together because they meet each others needs orig An insightful and enriching book from a practicing psychologist for tough times.
People come together because they meet each others needs originating from childhood, and fulfilling those needs is the exchange of Daphnes gifts. She provides plenty of examples of what is essentially people growing and evolving. This is what may be the real root of relationships and I see a flavor of transactional analysis mingling here, as a TA fan. Does relationship loss hurt? Sure, the only thing worse is loss through death.
Can it provide more than misery, pain, or regret? You betchya. There are always lessons to be learned and the act of selfishness can allow you to become a better, mature, and more wholesome being with the experience relationships can give you. Jan 22, Jim Anderson rated it it was amazing. I found this book in my library today. I read this book about five years ago while trying to understand why my marriage was coming to an end.
I had tried saving the union in the previous six years. Honestly, logic and reality seemed like insanity. At that time, I was going over my past delving deep into my conscious mind of events, behavior wanting to know the reasons why our marriage had failed.
I wanted to see both I found this book in my library today. I wanted to see both of our responsibility in the ending of a year marriage. I could not put this book down once I started reading it. This book is not a marriage counseling book. It goes into logical reasons why some marriages are a failure before the start; the dysfunctional behavior brought into a marriage that is a loaded shotgun and myths of expectations. One profound thought in closing that I learned from this book which I believe is the truth; "We live out our adult relationships from the experiences of our childhood.
This book changed my life - not kidding or being corny - and is helping me get through a wonderful but brief relationship that recently ended and has moved to no communication. Everyone should read this because it really explains how and why relationships end and some good ways to deal with it. Oct 12, Cdorich rated it it was amazing. This is a must read if your in a relationship and need to get out. This book helped me so much and I've recommended to several others that it also helped. It was recommended to me by my therapist at the time.
Nov 17, Gayatri rated it it was amazing. This book helped me process so much of what happens when two people have a falling apart I feel as though I have gone to therapy for the ending of my 3 year relationship. At the beginning Kingma says that was precisely her intention, for a comprehensive book we can refer to that holds all the information we need to process the subjective grief amongst objective confusion that arises after a relationship breaks.
In "new age" spirituality, This book helped me process so much of what happens when two people have a falling apart In "new age" spirituality, it is commonly known that when we repeatedly receive the same issues, it's because we haven't learned our lessons about them. The majority of this book was about this precise concept, and it was fascinating the way she described this process without the use of new age or even psychoanalytic jargon.
In its plain and simple layman's terms, boy oh boy does it make it all make sense now. Love that is not meant to last forever is meant for us to learn from. This sounds absolutely terrible when you're in the deepest muck of grief, but the bird's eye psychologist's view that this book provides has proved invaluable. I can now see the true purpose that was hidden behind my stubborn attachment to this relationship.
I must say, I was quite perturbed throughout this demonstrative objectivity of hers. I thought, "So is lifelong love a joke? It can't be. We can't just keep falling in and out of love just because we have to keep learning shit.
It was when I reached the second-t0-last chapter that I found the answer to my question. It's aaallll about the lessons, people! If someone has the ability to teach us new lessons for the rest of our lives, they can be our life partners. If what we had to learn from someone has been absorbed, the relationship turns stale and breaks apart-that is simply what's meant to be. No amount of work or stubborn attachment can mend it.
This is SUCH a spiritual concept. God sends people that can provide the best lessons for our inner evolution. Once we mature into people that can openly welcome these lessons, we will be able to find our life partners. Until then, no matter how mature we think we are, we first need to complete our childhood with a temporary lover s.
I was reading A Return to Love simultaneously and was shocked to come across this exact teaching within that Christian-aligned-spiritual book. I am so grateful this came into my life. I am so grateful for the person that broke up with me. I am so grateful for the lessons I will forever cherish and build upon throughout my life.
Thank you Daphne Rose Kingma. Nov 02, Sasha rated it really liked it. Each relationship has 'gifts', that you keep even when it ends. Through a kind of hierarchy of needs model, Kingma argues that one looks for someone who can help them achieve their developmental task, and once that is fulfilled, seeks to complete the next pressing task. If however the next pressing task is in conflict with the other person's developmental task, or the other person hasn't finished fulfilling the first task, it is likely the relationship will end in order for both parties to search for someone who can fulfil them.
An example she gives is of a couple who were poor growing up and wanted most of all to own a house. They had a shared goal of saving for the house and eventually bought one. They had a few children, lived a stable life. Having this need of hers met, the wife wanted to go to graduate school and focus on her career, while the husband wanted her to be home with the children, like the mother he never had growing up.
In the end, they got divorced and found spouses that would support them in the way they needed to be supported. By reframing relationships as something that is often not meant to be forever, Kingma advocates for finding joy and appreciating whatever your partner gives you that has allowed you to fulfil your "developmental task". The rather radical argument she makes throughout the book is countered by the end where she says eventually when all the tasks have been completed, or if you find someone who's needs are complementary to your own - layer after layer, that is when you find the person you are stable with.
I enjoyed the many stories Kingma shared as a marriage counsellor. It brought her theories to life. Sep 26, Nikki Morse rated it liked it Shelves: personal-growth. This was helpful.
It's been 6 months since my relationship ended, and I haven't been able to think or process much outside of the particularities of the dramatic and shitty ending, or the day to day realities of surviving. But there is more outside of that, and there are learnings and healing that can come from a little perspective. This book helped with that. It's not the most profound thing ever, it's a little proscriptive and totally heteronormative - and I'm glad I read it and would recommen This was helpful.
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